Knowing Me Knowing You Page 4

  ‘I’m afraid, if you want people to think we’re dating, then we’re going to have to get a little bit intimate,’ Joel told her, giving her hand an encouraging squeeze.

  ‘OK and we met at the swimming pool, about six weeks ago. Was it six weeks?’ Kate asked, looking at him nervously.

  ‘Six weeks is fine.’

  There were approximately two hundred people in the huge hall, all sat at round tables with white and gold crockery set out before them. At the bottom of the room was a large stage with spotlights erected at both sides and men with television cameras. At the previous year’s banquet the president of the company, Frank Peterson, had bored everyone stupid with slides on their work in Africa, followed by a quiz about the slides and he had ended with a lecture about using less water. The cameras and lights probably meant a jazzed up version of the same. Perhaps he had finally mastered PowerPoint. The good news was there was no sign of a disco.

  Kate saw the two empty seats at the Randall’s table and with her head down she made a beeline for them in the hope she could sit down before Miranda noticed she had arrived.

  It wasn’t to be.

  As she went to swing herself into her seat she got her foot caught on the chair next to Frank Peterson. She fell forward and ended up having to grab at Miranda’s seat for support, narrowly avoiding whipping the tablecloth off like an amateur conjuror.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Joel asked her, steadying her and helping her remain upright.

  ‘Hello Kate, we were beginning to wonder whether you were going to make it - oh hello, now we definitely haven’t met before. I’m Miranda, Kate’s boss,’ Miranda spoke, spotting Joel and immediately standing up to give him the full effect of her horrendously short dress.

  Kate was convinced Kate Winslet had never worn anything that short or crass to the Oscars.

  ‘Hello, I’m Joel, pleased to meet you,’ he spoke politely, smiling at Miranda and taking the hand she offered him.

  ‘Likewise. Goodness, you are tall and so handsome. Where have you been hiding this one Kate?’ Miranda asked, holding onto Joel’s hand and continuing to look him up and down.

  ‘We met at the swimming pool, Bethan just loves going there,’ Kate said hurriedly, fixing a smile on her face and sitting down next to Frank Peterson.

  Frank was in his late fifties. He had made his money on the stock market, had a thriving financial advisory business with offices all across Europe and was also now involved in helping African communities set up small sustainable businesses. He was a happy-go-lucky character who loved nothing more than entertaining. He was one of Kate’s favourite clients. In fact he was her only favourite client.

  ‘Hello Kate, how are you?’ Frank asked, grinning jovially at her.

  ‘I’m fine thank you Frank. No Marion tonight?’ Kate enquired, noticing his wife was absent from the table.

  ‘No she’s laid up my girl, had a little op on an ingrown toenail and it’s got to stay up for a week,’ he responded.

  ‘Oh poor her, give her my best wishes for a speedy recovery,’ Kate said, spotting the open bottle of white wine and willing it closer to her.

  She wished she had paid more attention to Paul McKenna shows although she wasn’t sure even he could hypnotise inanimate objects.

  ‘So this is your chap is it? Hello there, I’m Frank Peterson,’ the president introduced himself.

  ‘Joel Brown, pleased to meet you,’ he replied, shaking the man’s hand and sitting down next to Kate.

  ‘I can’t believe you’ve kept this one a secret Kate, what a dark horse you are. Anyone would think you had him manufactured he’s so perfect,’ Miranda carried on her eyes out on stalks, unable to keep them from Kate’s date.

  ‘I’m flattered but to be honest I’m the really lucky one,’ Joel answered and he put his hand on top of Kate’s and held it.

  He was good. Half convincing. He obviously did this a lot. Perhaps this was going to work after all. It was a shame he wasn’t drinking. If he got a bit drunk and dishevelled himself he might look less good looking.

  ‘Can I get anyone some wine? Miranda? Perhaps a drink will distract you from ogling the poor fellow. I’m Colin, nice to meet you Joel,’ Colin Sykes spoke, standing up and shaking Joel’s hand before getting more wine.

  ‘Nice to meet you,’ Joel answered.

  Colin was a partner in the Private Client department. He had started as a runner in the post room when he was sixteen, had been given a training contract at twenty and worked his way up. Now he was listed as a leader in his field in the Chambers guide. Unfortunately, although he was successful and loaded, he was also balding, skinny and had a nose the size of Luxembourg.

  ‘Could I have some wine please Colin?’ Kate asked, pushing her glass nearer to the bottle he was offering.

  ‘Of course - so are you getting nervous?’ Colin asked, smiling at Kate as he poured the liquid into her glass.

  ‘Nervous?’ Kate queried, picking up her drink and taking a much needed sip.

  ‘About the contest. Very good of you to volunteer, you’re a braver person than I,’ Colin continued.

  ‘I’m sorry Colin, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. What have I volunteered myself for? Frank, you don’t need me to sell raffle tickets again do you?’ Kate asked with a smile at her client.

  ‘No my girl, the contest on stage. It’s my treat for everyone here after I bored you all rigid with the slide show last year, or so Marion tells me,’ Frank answered.

  ‘Contest?’ Kate spoke, none the wiser but a feeling of unease creeping over her.

  ‘Oh Kate, don’t tell me I forgot to mention it! Goodness! How remiss of me! That was why I was so keen for you to bring a date tonight. You and Joel are going to be Randall’s representatives,’ Miranda exclaimed excitedly.

  ‘Representatives for what?’ Kate asked a lump of terror forming in her throat.

  ‘I’m hosting the local heat of Knowing Me Knowing You! It’s a national competition and Peterson Finance is sponsoring it. The two highest scoring couples tonight go through to one of the regional heats and the first two couples from that go into the national finals. It’s televised and everything, well it’s on one of those funny satellite channels,’ Frank attempted to explain.

  ‘Isn’t it exciting?! You and Joel are our entry. There are five other couples I think so competition is fierce,’ Miranda spoke.

  ‘You must remember the old Mr and Mrs on TV, well this is a bit like that but updated for the twenty first century. Couples don’t have to be married, or even straight, I believe we have a Bjorn and Michael entering and according to Frank here, the questions are a little bit racier,’ Colin continued.

  ‘I had no idea about this! God, I couldn’t possibly compete in something like that. If you want to win then you need your best people out there, don’t you Joel,’ Kate spoke hurriedly, looking at her date with pleading eyes.

  ‘I think Joel is going to look perfect on camera. I can’t wait to watch it back, in complete privacy,’ Miranda interrupted, smiling widely at the escort and rolling tendrils of her blonde hair through her fingers.

  ‘I’ve had a better idea, why don’t you and Colin do it? Yes, that would be a wonderful advertisement for the firm. A partner who has worked his way up to the top and the highly successful, vivacious head of the Probate team,’ Kate said.

  ‘But we’re not a couple and actually Kate, it was Frank who suggested you,’ Miranda told her, her voice stern.

  ‘Oh was it? Oh Frank, that’s very sweet, but I really think…’ Kate began determined she was not going to take part in any show.

  ‘I won’t hear another word, you’re going to do brilliantly. This girl is a marvel Joel, she’s made my estate all tax efficient,’ Frank interrupted.

  Kate gulped back her wine, grabbed the bottle from the table and refilled her glass. She didn’t do games of any sort and a relationship contest with someone she didn’t know was most probably going to expose her as a fraud.

  Anythi
ng anyone said flew over her head after that announcement. She drank as much wine as she could get her hands on and she barely ate. She picked at the asparagus spears, pushed the roast duck around her plate and took two mouthfuls of raspberry soufflé before declaring she was completely full. She couldn’t think about anything else other than the fact that as soon as dinner was over she had to get up on a stage in front of over two hundred people and answer questions, possibly risqué questions, about someone she had met at 7.15pm that night.

  Fortunately, Joel talked for the both of them. He chatted to Colin and Frank intently and was gracious to Miranda even though she kept leaning over the table flashing her cleavage at every opportunity. She also found any excuse she could to touch him, passing the salt, passing the wine, knocking her fork off the table.

  As the waiters came round with the coffee Kate made her escape to the hotel bar. She ordered a rum and Coke and knocked it back in one go. She put the glass back on the bar and ordered a second. She was halfway down the glass when someone took it out of her hands.

  ‘I don’t think you should have any more of those,’ Joel spoke, putting the glass back down on the bar.

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I was paying you to do impersonations of my mother,’ Kate snapped.

  ‘I just think it might be better if you didn’t have too much more that’s all,’ Joel replied, taking hold of the glass as Kate tried to reach for it.

  ‘Give me my drink back,’ Kate ordered, gritting her teeth and fixing Joel with a hard stare.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Give it to me!’ Kate repeated and she made a lunge for the glass he was holding.

  Joel dodged out of the way and Kate fell forward for the second time that night and bashed her elbow hard on the bar.

  She hurriedly stood herself upright and straightened her dress, trying hard to hide any embarrassment.

  ‘All we have to do is answer a few questions, it’s no big deal. It’ll keep your client sweet and it will backfire on Miranda who obviously nominated you to make you feel uncomfortable,’ Joel told her.

  ‘She spends her life finding new ways to make me feel uncomfortable,’ Kate mumbled in reply.

  ‘So show her you don’t mind stepping into the breach and entering the contest - rise above her.’

  ‘There are bloody TV cameras out there!’ Kate exclaimed still looking longingly at the drink Joel was shielding.

  ‘I don’t see the problem, it’s one little quiz, you must have done quizzes before,’ Joel replied.

  ‘Yes, in pubs, with friends, about music and films, not about someone I’ve only just met! We know nothing about each other! How is that going to look?!’ Kate shrieked, making other patrons of the bar turn in their direction.

  ‘You’re overreacting. Come on, we’re going back in,’ Joel spoke, taking hold of Kate’s arm and leading her back towards the door of the function room.

  ‘This is madness! And what sort of escort agency do you work for? You’re bullying me and you’re hurting my arm,’ Kate hissed as Joel propelled her through the doors and back towards their table.

  ‘It will be over in an hour or so, we’ll probably only be on stage for ten minutes. Think how many brownie points this will earn you with Frank,’ Joel whispered to her, smiling at Miranda as they approached.

  ‘They said the questions were intimate. What side of the bed do you sleep on? What underwear do you prefer?’ Kate asked.

  ‘Kate, we don’t have to win,’ Joel replied.

  ‘No, but they have to believe we’re a couple,’ Kate responded, putting an ‘everything’s fine with me’ smile on her face and pulling out her chair to rejoin the others at the table.

  If she got up on that stage and revealed to everyone in the room that she knew nothing about Joel she would look a complete idiot. And what the Hell was a racy question anyway? Was it did she like it on top? Or maybe where does she buy her bras? Either way Joel wouldn’t have a clue and she didn’t know the first thing about him either.

  ‘There you are my girl, no time for sitting down I’m afraid, the producer is looking for you two. Got to join the other couples backstage, it’s curtain up in a few minutes,’ Frank spoke, stopping Kate before she had a chance to sit down.

  ‘Ooo Kate, I’m so excited for you, the limelight is beckoning and we’ll all be watching. It’s going to be perfect,’ Miranda spoke, smiling falsely at her.

  Kate faked a smile back, her face aching, as Joel took her hand and led her in the direction of ‘backstage’.

  Behind the scenes there were couples chatting eagerly and excitedly amongst themselves and to each other. There were television crew wearing headphones and carrying clipboards all walking around looking busy. There was also a very rotund man, obviously wearing a toupée, dressed in a silver suit. He was having powder put on his face by a woman wearing a make-up belt around her middle. There were lights and people shouting ‘sound check’ and holding their ear as they waved a hand in the air. And just in front of them was someone wandering around in a seven foot bird costume clutching a golden egg.

  ‘This is a circus,’ Kate commented taken aback by what they had walked in to.

  ‘It does look a little chaotic,’ Joel admitted.

  There was no time to consider the situation they had found themselves in as a loud exaggerated scream had them turning round and coming face to face with a woman with bright pink hair, piled high on her head. She was wearing a black t-shirt with Knowing Me Knowing You embroidered on it in sequins.

  ‘There you are! I take it you’re Kate and you must be - is it Joe?’

  ‘Joel,’ he corrected.

  ‘Joel, right, Brian! New name badge over here! It’s Joel not Joe. Hi, I’m Becky, but everyone calls me Becks. Gosh aren’t you tall,’ the pink haired girl spoke as Brian arrived with the altered name badge. She stuck one on each of them.

  ‘Look, Becks, this is all a bit spontaneous for us. We really don’t know what to expect, with the questions,’ Kate babbled nervously.

  ‘Oh you’ll be fine, you’re the second couple on, we drew names out of the hat. What will happen is that Larry, the guy in the silver over there, he will call you onto stage. He’ll ask you a little bit about yourselves and then you Joel will be put into a booth at the side of the stage. It’s supposed to be glass but it’s plastic, they’re working on a glass one for the final. You’ll have headphones on and be listening to music and Larry will be asking Kate some questions about you. Then when she’s answered the questions, you’ll come back onto centre stage and give your answers. We want as many correct matches as possible to get you in the top two couples and through to the regional heat,’ Becky explained in double quick time.

  ‘Can’t I go into the booth? Joel’s a little claustrophobic,’ Kate spoke hurriedly, dreading stage time on her own.

  ‘Oh, are you?’ Becky asked, looking at him with concern.

  ‘I’ll be fine, especially if I have music to listen to,’ Joel replied, putting an arm around Kate and making her feel even more uncomfortable.

  ‘Did I mention the Love Dove?’ Becky questioned.

  ‘What?’ Kate remarked.

  ‘The Love Dove, he’s over there. He’ll lay three golden eggs during the course of the show and if he lays an egg when you two are on stage you get to answer a bonus question that will win an instant cash prize and an additional Kissing Gate on the board,’ Becky said with excitement in her eyes.

  ‘Wow Kate, doesn’t that sound great,’ Joel answered.

  ‘I’m egg-static.’

  ‘Great, well I think I’ve covered everything. The show’s going to start in a minute so if you just follow me round here we’ll get a bit of powder on you and give you some briefing notes,’ Becky spoke and she swung her pink hair around and headed off at breakneck speed.

  Within minutes they had both been powdered and lip glossed and were waiting in the wings as the Knowing Me Knowing You show kicked off on the function room stage and aired to viewers at ho
me.

  ‘I just want you to know that this is probably the worst night of my life,’ Kate whispered to Joel.

  ‘If you’re going to fill in a customer satisfaction sheet on my performance can you maybe tone that sentiment down a bit?’ Joel replied.

  ‘I completely blame you for this.’

  ‘What? How can you blame me for this? I didn’t instigate it.’

  ‘You’ve made me get up here and you took away my drink. I was going to slip away into the night away from all this ridiculous behaviour. I never thought I’d actually say it but I would rather be watching the African slides again, I mean what is Frank thinking of? This is so downmarket for him, so trashy, it’s as bad as, I don’t know, having to appear on an episode of Jerry Springer,’ Kate continued to speak.

  ‘It’s fun,’ Joel responded, looking through the briefing notes.

  ‘You have got to be kidding me! Fun! This is your idea of fun! I knew there was something wrong with you. I can’t believe you were the closest match to Stephen. If Stephen were here he would have taken me away from all this.’

  ‘Stephen doesn’t really have an O-level and his picture is ten years out of date,’ Joel answered.

  ‘Oh, shame on you, sullying the reputation of one of your colleagues to get you out of a corner.’

  ‘You employed me to come here with you. Your client and your boss have somehow between them, set you up to do this. I just think that the easiest, most pain free way to get through the evening, and probably the rest of your career, is to just do it. We don’t know each other, we answer the questions, we get them all wrong, the end of the show, the end of the night, the end of the date,’ Joel said.

  ‘Fine we’ll do it, get it all over with,’ Kate answered, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

  It was only ten minutes and an advert break before Larry Rawlins was calling them to the stage.

  Six

  ‘And please welcome our next couple Kate Baxter and Joel Brown. Let’s give them a big hand as they take to the stage.’